


Recovery Isn't So Bad With You By My Side

by turngayforwhat



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Drug Addiction, Eating Disorders, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Sad, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-22
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-19 00:36:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3589698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turngayforwhat/pseuds/turngayforwhat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where Laura is sent to an in patient facility to treat an eating disorder. She meets LaFontaine, Danny and a very attractive brunette named Carmilla. There is a lot of angst and sadness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Recovery Isn't So Bad With You By My Side

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if this is inaccurate at all. I'm only going off of research and past experiences told by friends. Hope you enjoy!

“Laura can you hear me?” A voice shouted at her

She tried opening her eyes, but had almost zero energy to do so. She let out a soft “where am I?”

“Laura, you’re in an ambulance. You collapsed during dance rehearsal. Do you remember that?”

Laura slowly started coming to terms with what had happened.

 

~Six months before~

“See you later SJ!” Laura waved the girl off as she continued taking her pointe shoes off and stuffing them in her dance bag. 

She untied her chiffon skirt and stuffed it into another pocket of her dance bag. She quickly slid on some sweat pants over her leo and slipped her Uggs on. As she headed out, a voice as sharp as nails stopped her.

“Miss. Hollis, may I see you in my office? I have some important things to discuss.”

Laura gulped hard trying to stop the lump in her throat from forming. She was absolutely terrified of Miss. Karnstein. She was a great ballet teacher and everything, but she was absolutely horrifying. She had a very shape face with cheekbones that could cut glass. Her hair was always pulled back in a tight bun with no sign of little hairs poking out anywhere, and she always had a pissed off look on her face.

Laura entered Miss. Karnsteins office with the most genuine smile she could muster up despite the fact that she was shaking. 

“You wanted to speak with me?”

“Please, have a seat, dear.”

Laura set down her bag and tried to sit down as graceful as possible. Miss. Karnstein was one for taking the principles of ballet out into everything you do, and Laura was not about to be the clumsy elephant she usually was outside of class.

“Am I in trouble Miss?”

“Oh no dear, I just need to talk to you about a couple of things. You know that spring recital is coming up, and you know that I take three girls from our class to partner with boys from the class above you. Your technique and everything is great, and you’re tiny in height. If you lost about twenty or so pounds, you’d be a perfect candidate for being one of those girls, Laura.”

“Twenty or so pounds? Miss. Karnstein, that’s a lot of weight, I don’t think I can do that in a short amount of time.” Laura explained.

Laura really wanted to be partnered more than anything ever since she saw her first ballet. She saw how beautiful the girls always looked being lifted high in the air with their legs extended, but twenty pounds? She would be a bag of bones if she lost that much weight. 

“Laura, you know perfectly well that ballerinas who wish to be partnered with someone have to be as light as a feather. At your current weight, you’re about as light as a sack of bricks. I’ve got a few self-help journals that I wrote from back in my day. I too was in a very similar position, so do you accept my offer or not?”

Laura looked at her dance teacher with a lot of hesitation.

“It’ll look great for college auditions, if you intend on continuing dance as a career, Laura.”

She nodded and quickly grabbed the journals that Miss. Karnstein had offered her. Twenty pounds wouldn’t be too much, and she knew she could easily gain it all back after recital. 

Laura got home and looked at the journals. They mentioned a lot of different teas and pills that were good for boosting metabolism. There was also some month long diet that consisted of only eating a certain amount of calories per certain day of the month and working out a ton. There was even a section on how to make people believe that you were eating a lot and how to make it seem like you’ve eaten something when you have food in front of you. Laura didn’t really see much of a problem with it since it was for the career she had always wanted. She’d start immediately. 

At dinner she tried some of Miss. Karnsteins tips on fooling people into thinking that you’ve eaten. She couldn’t really hand things off to the dog since they didn’t have one. She wore a giant hoodie down to dinner and when her dad wasn’t looking, she would grab things that were dry and put them in her pocket. She fiddled around with her food and kept up an interesting conversation with her dad to distract him from the lack of food that she was actually eating. 

“Hey dad, I have a lot of studying to do, is it okay if I head upstairs?”

“Of course pumpkin, do you want me to bring you a warm chocolate chip cookie sundae in a little bit? I know it’s your favorite!”

Laura immediately nodded her head yes. She ran up the stairs and realized how big of a mistake she had made.

About thirty minutes later, Mr. Hollis showed up with Laura’s favorite dessert. Laura let it sit out and bribed herself with a ton of push-ups and sit-ups in order to eat the treat. By the time she had finished, the ice cream was all melted and it was a soupy mess with bits of cookie floating around like soggy cereal. Laura liked the way she could avoid eating like that, it felt rewarding. 

 

~Present time but before Laura passing out~

The class sat patiently in the studio before class. Everyone was stretching. Laura was in a circle with SJ and Betty. 

“Laura, you look a little pale, are you okay?” Betty asked.

“I’m fine guys, I’m just a little nervous. Miss. Karnstein is announcing who’s doing partnering for spring recital and I’ve been working really hard to get it this year.” Laura explained.

Betty and SJ both nodded, but they were still really concerned for their friend. Laura didn’t only look pale, but she looked thin and breakable. She had dark circles under her eyes, she looked really bony and all of her leos started to become extremely loose on her. She used to be muscular and beautifully sculpted, but now it looked like the only thing keeping her bones in was her skin. 

Suddenly everyone heard the familiar and terrifying click of Miss. Karnsteins heels across the floor. Everyone stood up immediately and gave their utmost attention to their teacher. 

“As you all know, it’s time to prep for spring recital. I always take three girls from this class to partner with boys in the next class above you. I have choses three girls who I think have worked hardest over the past few months, and who would make a great career out of dance. Laura Hollis, SJ and Betty, you three have been chosen to do partnering this year. Congratulations, please head over to the next studio to begin working.”

The three girls ran in for a group hug, quickly grabbed their water bottles and dance bags and ran to the next studio. It started out like their usual class with warm ups at the barre and some across the floor work. The girls were then introduced to their partners. Laura was stuck with a boy who was only slightly taller than she was, but had a lot of muscles. His name was Will or something like that. Apparently he’s related to Miss. Karnstein in some way, and any girl paired off with him is extremely lucky.   
They were working on the choreography, and Laura started to feel a little dizzy. She hadn’t eaten anything but two saltines and two baby carrots, and she had gotten in two hours of cardio in the gym before hand to warm her muscles up. She couldn’t concentrate on anything anymore. She did a pas de chat and a glissade towards Will, she tried to go into her turning arabesque which turned into a lift eventually, but she was extremely behind. She was trying to count and the world around her was spinning so fast she didn’t know where she was. Her vision went black and she heard a thud. 

 

“Laura, if you can hear me squeeze my hand.” 

Laura felt a cold hand on hers and tried her best to squeeze the hand. She put forth all of her energy and squeezed the icy hand that gripped hers. 

“Hang in there sweetie, we’ll be at the hospital in no time.”

Laura was really confused. Why was she going to the hospital, she had to work on the choreography with Will. She tried to sit up, but the cold hand stopped her. She tried screaming, but something over took her body and she couldn’t move anymore. It felt like she was suffocating. 

 

“Laura. Please wake up. I can’t lose you.”

Laura recognized this voice it was her dads. She opened her eyes briefly to see that he had tears streaming down his face. She felt something weird on her face, and she wanted it off.

“Daddy, why am I here what happened?” Laura whimpered.

“Honey, you collapsed in dance class. The doctors said it was from malnutrition.”

Laura tried clawing at whatever was on her face. Her father quickly grabbed her hand. 

“Laura, you need to leave that on. That’s how you’re going to get better. It’ll be okay. I promise.”

“I want to go home, I don’t like it here. Take me home please.” Laura started crying.

It was so hard for Mr. Hollis to watch his daughter like this. He wanted to give in and take her home, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t lose the only girl he had left in his life. 

The doctor came in to talk to Mr. Hollis and Laura about the next steps in treatment. Mr. Hollis pleaded to do whatever it took to get Laura better. The doctor suggested their pediatric psych wing. Mr. Hollis immediately signed the papers for Laura to be admitted.

“You know I love you, and this is for the best sweetie.” 

He kissed Laura on the forehead and headed back home to get her belongings.

 

Laura was wheeled to the psych ward of the hospital. It wasn’t at all what she expected it to be. She thought it would be like the asylum season of American Horror Story with people screaming everywhere. In reality, it was just a bunch of people around her age wandering around and pestering adults with questions about stupid stuff.

“Room 209 Hollis. This will be your home for the next few weeks.” The tall redhead stated.

“How long will I be here, exactly?” Laura questioned.

“That all depends on you sweetpea. It’s your choice to get better.”

“I’m perfectly fine, see!” Laura tried to stand up, but immediately got dizzy and had to sit back down. 

“Calm down Laura. Dinner is in ten. I’m sure your dad will be here with your belongings. Since it’s your first night, you have the option to eat in you room with someone else watching you.”

“Why do I need to be watched exactly? I’m perfectly capable of eating on my own!”

“Clearly not since you landed yourself in here by not eating. So what will it be? Cafeteria or bedroom?”

“Room.” Laura huffed.

The nurse wheeled her into her bedroom and helped her get into her bed. She wanted more than anything to get out of this hideous garbage bag of a hospital gown and into her own clothes. Her dad came by with a duffle bag full of her clothes and her favorite yellow pillow.

“I can’t stay, but you know I love you. I will call you every night to make sure you’re working towards getting better. I’ll visit you when they allow visitors, which is not currently.” He tried to plant a kiss on her forehead but she moved away.   
Once her dad had left, she quickly rummaged through her duffle bag to find her favorite Dr. Who sweatshirt and a pair of pajama shorts. Just as she had settled down into her bed with her yellow pillow, there was knock on the door. The redhead was back with a tray. She set it down on what Laura assumed was supposed to be a desk and motioned her over. Laura sat in the uncomfortable chair and looked at the feast that they had pushed in front of her. 

“You have to eat at least half of the sandwich or we will feed you through the tube, your choice.”

It took Laura a good hour to try and eat half of the sandwich. She kept counting to make sure she chewed a certain amount of times on each bite. She took a small bite out of a carrot, and when the nurse looked away she tried to stuff it in her sweatshirt.

Some shorthaired redhead walked into the room and Laura assumed she was her roommate because she plopped down onto the messy unmade bed on the other side of the room. 

The nurse got up and congratulated Laura on eating what she had that night. She then told Laura she had to do a pat down to make sure there was no hidden food. She felt the sweatshirt pocket and immediately found the carrot that Laura had hidden. 

“Laura, this is forbidden, you cannot continue hiding food like this, it will get you no where.” She scolded as she started covering up the food that Laura left untouched.

“I’m Danny by the way, I’m your nurse. This is your roommate LaFontaine, get acquainted, I’m sure they’ll show you around.”

They? What did she mean by they? She was a singular person, not multiple? She wasn’t roomed with someone who thought they were seven different people, was she?

“I’m LaFtonaine, and you must be…?” A pale hand was extended in front of Laura.

“Laura…” she gripped LaFontaine’s hand and shook it.

“Uh, what did the nurse mean by they when she referred to you? You don’t have seven different personalities, do you?”

They laughed, even though it hurt a little bit, they figured Laura wasn’t quite sure about what being genderqueer was.

“I’m genderqueer. I’m really Susan LaFontaine, but I don’t really like the name Susan and I don’t really identify with a gender, so I prefer that people use they/them pronouns like you prefer she/her.”

Laura nodded. 

“Sorry if that was offensive.”

Laura got into her bed and got out her journal to scribble down her calorie intake for the day. She latched onto her yellow pillow when tears fell on the journal causing the ink to run.

“I don’t really mean to intrude, but are you okay? Are you writing a sad fic over there or?”

Laura quickly shut her journal, hid it under her pillow and rolled over to face the wall hugging her knees in tight. She just wanted to be back home at this point, she missed her dad and she didn’t feel there was anything wrong with her. She just had a little bit of a collapse during dance today, that’s all. Nothing to rush her to the hospital for. 

Laura didn’t remember falling asleep, but when screaming coming from the other side of the room abruptly woke her up, she was not a happy camper. 

“Can you can it over there? Some of us are trying to sleep!”

Before Laura thought this night could get any worse, the giant redhead nurse and some big stocky guy came running into the room and turned the lights on. The nurse leaned down to try and comfort LaFontaine, and the orderly stood to the side as backup in case things got violent. 

“EL PLEASE WAKE UP PLEASE WAKE UP!!” LaFontaine was screaming over and over again. 

Laura wasn’t quite sure who the hell El was, but she wanted them to shut up about it so she could continue sleeping. 

“Honey, El is gone. You’re here safe. It’s okay. You’re okay.”

LaFontaine lunged to hug Danny. She was sobbing uncontrollably and Danny kept rubbing her back telling her over and over again that it was going to be okay. Danny ordered the big jock to leave because everything was under control. LaFontaine fell back asleep and so did Laura eventually. 

~One week later~  
“Can you not perform weird science experiments in our room? I’m trying to study here, and your mess making is getting ridiculous!” Laura exclaimed.

“Come on, it’s fun. Watch. You put this in here and FLUUFFF it does a cool thing!” They said with a huge grin across their face.

“Okay, well clean the fluufff up immediately. I can’t deal with this mess.” 

Laura went back to her homework. She heard knocking on the door frame and before she could even say come in, Danny the big redheaded nurse had a tray full of food for Laura.

“Not hungry.”

“Laura, if you don’t eat, we will feed you through that tube. You’ve skipped two meals already. Third meal skipped in a row has consequences, and you won’t like them one bit.”

“Still not hungry?” Laura sassed towards the nurse.

Danny gave her one last chance, and Laura denied it yet again. The redhead left and came back with an IV drip stand and a mysterious looking bag full of goo.

“Sit and do not mess with the tube.”

Laura quickly obeyed, afraid of whatever consequence would be next. Once the nurse fiddled around with some stuff, she left the room.

“It works best if you listen to her, Laura.” LaFontaine explained.

“And how would you know?” Laura snarked back.

“She just wants to help. She’s a really nice person, and once you’re on her good side, she’s extremely supportive of your choices.”

Laura took that into consideration but pushed it aside, suddenly interested in why they were in here. They clearly didn’t have an eating disorder, and they seemed fine besides the one night that they woke up screaming about El, whoever the hell that is. 

“Why are you in here anyways?” Laura questioned.

Laura could see the panicked look in their eyes, and realized it’s a question she probably shouldn’t have asked.

“If you don’t mind telling me, I mean. We’re roommates after all.”

“No it’s fine, the doctor said I need to talk about it more if I want to get better. A few years back I had a friend El. Perry, who you’ll meet sometime soon on visitors day, and El and I were all really good friends when we were younger. When we got into high school, El’s mom had surgery for something and she got these awesome painkillers that made you feel super awesome. We started stealing them since her mom didn’t use them and the doctors kept prescribing them. Unfortunately they eventually stopped, and we both started going through withdrawals. My mom is a doctor though, so I forged fake prescriptions to get more of the painkillers for El and I. I got the strongest dosage we could possibly get, which didn’t end well. We were at a party and El and I took our usual amount of pills, but I didn’t think the dosage would do anything harmful, I just thought we would get a better high. I also didn’t listen to the warnings not to mix them with alcohol. El had way too much to drink on top of the high dosage, and she died of overdose. I had to get my stomach pumped, and here I am today. Roommate of Laura Hollis, who refuses to eat and admit she has any sort of problems.”

“I have to stay thin if I want to keep my partner spot in the spring recital!”

“Honey, if you intend on getting out of here, you’re gonna have to gain some weight and start cooperating with the staff.” 

Danny came back in to check on Laura’s feeding tube. It was finished and she attached a bag of water to it.

“I’ll be back to check on you Hollis. Maybe next time, you’ll cooperate with me and eat?” Danny gave her a hopeful smile because she had overheard their conversation before coming back in.

Laura gave her an unsure nod and a slight smile.

“Yeah, maybe.”

Laura had a plan to get out of here and back to spring recital. She just had to fool nurse Danny and her doctor and she was out of there. 

 

~Next day~

“Laura, LaFontaine. Wake up! You need to get ready for group.” 

Laura rolled over and pulled the blankets over her head. LaFontaine ran over to her and explained that if she didn’t get out of bed, they would drag her down there exactly as she is and make her share every dirty little secret she had hiding in her. Laura quickly sprung out of bed and rushed to get ready. She had no clue what group was and she wasn’t really excited to find out. 

LaFontaine led her down the hallway to the common area where chairs were set up in a circle. They were the first two there and LaFontaine offered Laura the seat next to them. Slowly more girls filed in. A tallish, pale brunette that had on black leather pants that clung to her like a second skin and a see through top on stood next to her. 

“This seat taken, Cupcake?” 

Laura looked up at her and shook her head no. The girl sat next to her and extended out an arm. The sleeve of her shirt rode up and she could see a bunch of lines up and down her arm. Some were white, some were pink and some were red. They were all in different sizes and some were more raised while others looked like craters in her skin.

“I’m Carmilla.” She said with a smile.

Laura continued to look at her arm in awe. Did she do that to herself, or did someone else do that to her? 

“Are you going to shake it or just stare at my arm creampuff?” 

“Uh right.” Laura extended her hand out to shake the girl’s next to her. That was when she realized just how small she had gotten. Carmilla was a beautiful girl and she was perfectly skinny with a nice thigh gap. Her hands didn’t look like someone cling wrapped a skeleton like Laura’s did. 

“I’m Laura.” 

“Well, Laura. It’s nice to meet you. If you need anything, I’ve got your back, okay? It’s not my first go around at the rodeo here, and I know a thing or two about having fun.” Carmilla said with a wink. 

Laura was just about to say something when Danny came in and sat down in the only chair that was open in the circle. 

“Okay everyone, welcome to group. As you all know, I’m Danny and we have a newcomer. Let’s all welcome Laura. Laura would you like to introduce yourself to the group?”

Laura nervously looked around and couldn’t find anything to say. She mustered up a smile as she felt all eyes on her. It’s weird that this bothered her. She’s never had stage fright before, so why now? She felt a sharp nudge to her side from LaFontaine and tried to clear her throat.

“Uh. I’m L—Laura.” She stammered.

“And why are you here Laura?” Danny asked.

Laura couldn’t breathe. She felt like the walls of the building were caving in on her. She couldn’t admit that she had a problem with sometimes not eating to everyone. They would judge her. She got up and ran to her room, slamming the door and hiding in her bed curled up with her yellow pillow. 

Danny excused herself from the circle and asked Kirsch, the jock of an orderly to stand in and make sure a riot didn’t happen. She ran to Laura’s room and knocked on the door before entering. She found Laura in a lump curled around her yellow pillow. She could tell that the poor girl had been crying. 

“Laura?” She questioned softly to avoid disturbing the girl or making her feel more intimidated. 

“Go away!” Laura screamed.

Danny gently shut the door behind her. 

“Laura, sweetie. Everything is going to be okay. Can you listen to my voice?”

Danny slowly began approaching Laura continuing to try and soothe the girl.

“Whatever bad place you’re in right now is not real. You are in a safe space; nothing can hurt you or judge you. Can you take a deep breath for me?” 

Laura tried to inhale as deep as she felt the walls would let her, which wasn’t very deep. Her exhale came with a loud sob. Danny placed a hand on the girls back and asked her if it was alright. Laura nodded so Danny started tracing patterns on the girls back. 

“Concentrate on the pattern that my finger is making. It’s going in a nice, soothing circular motion. Close your eyes and imagine the pattern it’s making. Breathe with the up and down motions of my finger.”

Danny realized that it was starting to work as Laura breathing had returned to an almost normal state. She was still crying a little bit, but she was a lot calmer than before. 

“Can you sit up for me Laura?”

Laura slowly sat up, but she pushed herself against the wall still clutching her yellow pillow. Tears were still running down her face and her eyes were all red and puffy. 

“What happened out there sweetie?” 

Laura tried to open her mouth and explain, but all she could do was cry. She felt like such a failure. 

“Take your time sweetheart.”

Laura nodded and after taking a few deep breaths she started talking. 

“I’m a dancer. I shouldn’t be afraid to talk in front of people. But then you asked why I was here and everyone was looking at me with sad concerned eyes and I didn’t know what to say. Hi I’m Laura and I don’t eat sometimes? I passed out during a dance class one time and now I’m here? I have a dance teacher that told me I had to lose twenty pounds to be in the partnering class and dance for spring recital? I’m basically a sack of skin with bones right now because I’m a fucking idiot?” 

“Laura, this is really good. You’re opening up.”

“Ooh congratulations Laura. You’re opening up. What does that do? It doesn’t fix me. I can’t go back. I can’t even get myself to eat anymore. I probably won’t ever dance again because if I gain the weight back, I won’t be thin enough. Congrats Laura, you fucked up.”

“Laura, honey no. You realized you have a problem. When you realize you have a problem, that’s when you can fix it. I know an eating disorder is not a simple thing to fix, but you’re making progress. You’re starting to recover. I’m proud of you.”

Laura leaned into Danny’s shoulder and continued crying. Danny continued to trace patterns on her back in order to calm the girl down. 

“We aren’t too different, you and me. I was once in your shoes too. But that’s a story for another time. Do you think you can finish group? You’ll get your phone call privileges back and I know you miss your dad.”

Laura and Danny emerged together back into the common room. Carmilla turned back with really concerned eyes searching for Laura. When the two made eye contact, the brunette shot Laura a smile. Laura sat back down in her spot which Carmilla had been using her feet to keep warm.

“Uh, hi everyone. My name’s Laura—“

She felt a warm hand on top of hers and looked down to see Carmilla giving her a supportive squeeze.

“And I have an eating disorder.”

There was a unanimous “Hi Laura” from the group and everyone started clapping and cheering for her. Apparently it was a big thing to admit that you’re fucked up.


End file.
